Gemini season - inner narrative and the truth

This is the topic of the moment for me. I’ve been following the threads of my stories back to their origins, or at least, I’ve been trying to. A personal story I’ve been telling myself since before I can remember is that I can’t write. Where did this belief even begin? Honestly, I couldn’t even tell you even after many long reflections. What I can tell you is that the belief feels real and it has lived within me as truth.

My recent trip to Peru allowed me the time and space to really sit with this, to untangle the knots in a new way. I contemplated writing about my adventures here and then this ‘story’ began to resurface.  Maybe the jungles slow rhythm gave me clarity for this old situation, or perhaps it was the lack of worries that come with modern living.

I think it was both.

As a child, free expression often came with consequences. I learned from a very young age to be silent, or, say what people wanted to hear. There was this unspoken expectation that children were to be seen and not heard, reinforcing that there was no safety in speaking out.

And with that thought, the knot began to loosen.

That’s where it all began.

Then, as I entered into school, a new worry was revealed. What if people don’t like me? What if I’m rejected? The thought of that scared my young self so much. So I pleased and I pleased, sweet honey dripping from the words I spoke. I wanted to be accepted more than seen for who I really was. I thought this was a way to reach harmony, but, what I felt was a sense of imbalance instead.

As I got older, I would hear and read other people’s words and i would be in awe of their elegance. The way people weave words into sentences that enchant everyone listening, pure magic pouring from their lips. Could any other way even be worth listening to, or reading? The feelings evoked during these conversations would leave an imprint on me for weeks or months.

Feeling inspired, I would grab a pen in my hand and a notebook and, and….i would start, scratch it out, start again and feel unsatisfied. It would leave me in this space of sadness and frustration. Why is there no flow for me when I feel so inspired to reach for my pen?

Comparison and fear of rejection, that’s why.

I wanted so desperately to reach people in a way that landed like those wordsmiths I experienced. Whenever I did manage to write, I felt like I was fumbling, sounding unintelligent and lifeless. It was so difficult because not only did I want magic, I also desired perfect English structure. Does that even exist? Magic and perfectly structured English? The thought makes me don a crocked smile, because I know now that it doesn’t, at least, not for me.

As I enter this important phase astrologically known as ‘mid-life’ you are faced with your own authenticity. I’m being asked to look at who am I beyond my conditioning and what is it that is waiting in my heart that wants to be expressed? No big deal, right?  The funny thing is, I’m not worried about rejection any more, whether thats just maturity or exhaustion around performance, it's unclear.  A friend once told me that this period in your life is like throwing a molotov cocktail into your life, and if I’m to be real with you, I’m ready for it.

There was this appropriately timed acknowledgment when I was in the jungle - ‘you are who you are’.

No one cares how much you make, what you do for a living or what you wear. The only one judging you is YOU.  What you are is what you are, and what matters is sincerity, connection and your heart.  Bringing back the lesson of sincerity and connection in how I communicate is something I’ll forever treasure. When there is a communication barrier, perfection doesn’t exist.  You learn to stick to what’s fundamentally true and most important, no room for fluff and never ending blabber.

It’s the potency OF your words and the sincerity behind what you say. That is the sweet spot. So as I begin to feel more naked with every word I write, I’ll trust in this unfolding process, remember the lessons of the jungle. I’ll write in a way that honours emotional honesty and my truth, re-written without the old narrative. I hope that my sincerity not only comes through these words, but, also in how I energetically hold space too.

What is honest is this - Untying the old knots of those inner narratives will take time, but, what I have found is comfort in trusting in this process.

Signed,

Chiron in Gemini, 2nd house